I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
