I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Having a random hookup so left but love u
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
