Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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