i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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