Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
