If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
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