..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
