I met the friendliest cop last night
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
