just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
