I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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