Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
honey bunches of taint.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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