never play flip cup with pint glasses
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
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