okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
