based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
