My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
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