She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
