I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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