Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize