I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
