i think my tv is drunk
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Randomize
