then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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