Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
