I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
