I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
