I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
