I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
