like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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