that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He did a backflip because drugs
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
