I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
