it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
there's paper in my vomit.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize