just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
