so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
