im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
