Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
