I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize