he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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