Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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