I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
