Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
