Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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