Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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