Please, let me fuck your mom
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize