my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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