A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
