Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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