and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
