My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
