i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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