I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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