are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
