First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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