Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i will never coherently bang her
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
