Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
