Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
