FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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