omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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