Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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