She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Barsexuality is the new black.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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