Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
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