It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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