hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Drunk walkin through police station. America
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize