My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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