You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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