I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
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