I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
