I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize