I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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