it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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